Continuing Conversations With a Cat (2)

Never argue with a cat. You can't win.
Never argue with a cat. You can’t win.

Autumn came running into my office and jumped up on my desk.

“Hey!” I yelled. “Get off the desk.”

“I’m sorry, can’t hear you,” she said looking around. “Speak up.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” I replied. “Now get down.”

“Wha? You’re breaking up. Are you driving next to a mountain? I can’t… huh, what?”

“Oh, you’re hilarious. Seriously, get down,” I said, getting slightly annoyed.

Autumn gingerly danced over my desktop accoutrements and hid behind my laptop screen. All I could see was a long black tail and two black ears poking out from beyond the screen.

“I can see you,” I said.

“I’m hiding,” a voice said from behind my laptop.

“You’re not doing it very well,” I remarked.

“I’m the master of disguise. I’m like a shadow. No one ever knows when I’m there!”

I flipped my laptop screen down. Autumn looked at me slightly surprised.

“Ah!” she cried. “My cover’s been blown. Jackrabbit, Jackrabbit, this is Shadow Demon, the egg has been laid!”

“What are you doing?” I asked her quizzically.

“What are you doing?” she asked in a voice that sounded vaguely like Tommy Chong (Cats really don’t do impersonations well, but she pulled this one off alright. I really need to limit her viewing time for “That 70’s Show“.)

I sighed. “As usual, I’m working and you’re bugging me. What else is new?”

“I think you work too much. Maybe you need a massage.” she said.

“No, I don’t need a massage. What I need,” I said looking right into her eyes, “is for a certain cat to leave me alone so I can get back to work.”

“No, I think you need a massage. I give good massages. Would you like me to give you a massage?” she asked.

“Why don’t you go give Peanut a massage?” I asked, hoping she would go and bug one of my other cats.

“I tried that already,” she said. “Peanut was sleeping by the window and I pounced on her to surprise her with a massage and she ran away. No one in this apartment appreciates what I do.”

“Yeah well… thanks but really, I don’t want a massage.”

Autumn walked to a small book I had lying on my desk. She pushed it with her paw and it fell to the floor. “Whoops,” she said innocently. I just looked at her for a moment. Something was up.

“Why did you do that?” I asked.

“Accident,” she replied. “These things happen. No one knows why.”

I bent down to pick up the book. Just as I did, Autumn jumped from my desk to my back. She dug in her claws and started kneading the flesh.

“Aaaaaaah!” I screamed as her claws pierced my skin. “Get off! Get off!”

“Oh be quiet, you big baby,” she said like a parent talking to a misbehaving child. “Just relax and let the serenity wash over you.”

“You’re clawing my back!” I yelled. “It hurts. Get off NOW!” I started to stand up and immediately realized what a mistake that was. As my back became more vertical, Autumn was forced to dig her claws in deeper to stay on. I dropped back down so my back was parallel to the ground, still seated in my desk chair.

“There we go. Can you feel your tension melting away?” she asked pleasantly.

“Please, please get off my back!” I pleaded with her.

“Just focus on your breathing,” she explained. “Deep breath in and nice cleansing breath out.”

“Autumn, I’m begging you… enough,” I said as calmly as I could, pain still screaming up and down my back.

“Oh fine,” she said with obvious annoyance in her voice. She unhooked her claws and jumped to the floor. I gingerly rose to an upright position, my back throbbing in pain.

“Geez, you look worse than you did before your massage,” Autumn remarked.

“Gosh, I wonder why?” I asked sarcastically.

“Beats me,” she said walking out of my office. “Not enough naps?”

For a moment I seriously considered putting an ad online that started out “Free to a good home…” Instead, I turned back to my work. In the other room I heard Autumn say “Hey Rona, want a massage? I’m really good at giving them.”

Now I really do need a massage. Ugh. Cats.

~V

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