Conversations With a Cat

Never argue with a cat. You can't win.
Never argue with a cat. You can’t win.

Autumn came running into my room. She was her usual excited self. “We’re under attack!” she cried frantically. I should expect these kinds of comments from her considering what a vivid imagination she has. Her comprehension of the world is very restricted, which is understandable considering she’s only seen small glimpses of it through the windows of my apartment. Granted, she wandered outside for the first few months of her life before finding me, but she was too young to really process much. Did I mention that Autumn is a cat?

“Why do you think we’re under attack?” I asked her calmly.

“Can’t you hear the buzzing sound from outside?” she asked, looking at me as if I had lost my mind. I paused for a moment. Sure enough, there was a familiar buzzing sound coming through my window.

“Yes, actually I can hear it,” I said. “That’s the sound of…”

“Giant killer bees!” she shouted, her eyes wide. “They’ll break in at any moment. We have to be ready to fight.”

“Uh, no. It’s not giant killer bees, Autumn. That’s the sound of weed whackers. The maintenance guys are trimming the grass outside.”

“Those fixy stuff guys are outside?” gasped Autumn? “Oh no, the bees will get them! I really like those fixy guys. One of them smells like tuna.”

“No, no you don’t understand. There ARE no giant bees. The noise you’re hearing is just a machine. We are not under attack. I promise.”

Autumn looked at me dubiously. “How do you know…” she began. I cut her short.

“I know, ok? I just know.” I said. “Now, don’t you have something to go claw or destroy?”

“My claws are sharp already. You know I use that big claw sharpening thing all the time.” she remarked proudly.

“You mean the sofa?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess that’s what you call it,” she said offhandedly. “And why do you sit on it? Seems a strange thing to do with a claw sharpener.”

I sighed. She and I had been over this topic numerous times. There are certain things that cats just don’t grasp. “Yeah, look, I have work to do right now, ok? Can you find something to do?”

“Would you like me to sit on you? You look like you want me to sit on you.”

“No, I don’t want you to sit on me.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m really really sure.” I exclaimed.

“Can you feed me now?” she asked

“No, it’s not time to feed you. It’s morning. You don’t get your wet food until this evening. You know that.”

“But I’m hungry now.” she said, licking her lips. (Do cats have lips?)

“You have your dry food if you’re hungry now,” I said.

“Yeah, I like wet food. I think I’ll have that now,” she said, making up her mind.

“Autumn…” I said looking her in the eye. “Go away. Now.”

She paused for a moment. Then she licked her paw. Finally she looked up at me and said “I think I’ll go chase Rona. If you need me to sit on you, just call.”

I shook my head as she walked out. “Cats,” I thought miserably. “Why did I want to have cats?”


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